This is the last time…

Back when I was first trying to get pregnant with Mikaela (and more than a year before I actually succeeded) I wrote about not being sure if we would go for a third child or not:

But the thing is, I don’t feel like this pregnancy – the one I am hoping to embark on very soon – is going to be my last. I feel like if it were, I would need to know that now. I would need to be able to say to myself, this is the last time I will be doing this. Pay attention.

Well, this time I know. This time (assuming all goes well), will be the last time. I’m under no illusions, I’m sure there are still times in the future, as this child gets older, that I’ll wish for another baby.

When Mikaela was a newborn, I remember sitting in the rocking chair, rocking her to sleep, and thinking to myself that I just hadto do this again. I might get that same sense next time, but I’m pretty sure I won’t ever seriously consider a forth. For one thing Chris will be 41 soon. And I will be 38 before this baby is born. But for more importantly, I just feel that three children will be right for us. It’s my template for what a ‘real’ family is, being one of three myself. And frankly, I think it will be enough!

So, this is my last pregnancy. This is the last time to feel this tiny changes in my body, to experience this sense of wonder, followed (presumably) by weeks of nausea and crankiness – and later by rather less tiny changes.

I’m grateful to myself for recording details of the previous pregnancies, like this one on symptoms at eight weeks-odd, that tells me that I started feeling nauseous all day at six-and-a-half weeks, and these ones about the desire to be secretive or to keep things private, or this one, from when I was 27 weeks along with Liam and felt invaded by people’s glances:

“It’s my belly,” I want to yell at them, “Keep your eyes to yourself.”

I’d forgotten my ambivalence last time about having the ultrasound, when the time came (we didn’t have one at all with Liam), and about how we initially were undecided about whether to tell people we had found out the sex. I’m not sure if we will this time, but you know what? I’m pretty sure we’ll lie about it if we do – at least, beforehand we’ll tell people we’re not going to find out. What we’ll tell them afterwards I don’t know.

Anyway, back to my point – I’m grateful to myself for recording some of the details of my last pregnancies. This time I want to do even better. Because this time will be the last time.