Five weeks today (or, more symptoms)

I think I’m feeling a little queasy. But surely it’s psychosomatic after yesterday’s discovery about when the nausea started last time?

Also having bit of pubic symphasis/SI joint ache – knew the pain free was too good to last.

Edited to add: I must say being pregnant at this point feels way too much like being about to have a period, for comfort.

symptoms

I’ve been having some slight cramping – by which I mean I had a little last night and again just now, like the cramping I normally associate with the onset of my period.

I was slightly worried about that last night, and in fact dreamed about blogging about it (but in my dream it was a couple of days later and I somehow knew by then that everything was fine), but in the dream I also remembered this post from when I was pregnant with Mikaela.

So yeah, apparently mild cramping is a normal symptom of early pregnancy, and (according to one of the comments) can be more common for 2nd babies (and presumably third ones).

When I read that post I also discovered that I first started feel queasy (though not full on nausea) at one day before five weeks with Mikaela. That is a little disappointing, because in my memory it was 5 weeks with Liam and not until eight weeks with Mikaela. So I was hoping it would be not until at least 8 weeks this time. Damn!

I will be five weeks tomorrow.

Keeping secrets*

I don’t know what it is about the experience of being pregnant that makes me feel so possessive about it – about the experience. But there’s definitely something.

I remember when I was pregnant with Liam, feeling annoyed when people who I hadn’t personally told would congratulate me. For all they know, I said at the time (but not to them), I might have miscarried yesterday! But that wasn’t really what it was, I realise now.

I remember when I was pregnant with Mikaela, and planning find out if she was a boy or a girl, a friends saying “Well you’ll have to tell me at least,” and me feeling quite annoyed. No I won’t have to, I thought (and might have said.

And this time, I’ve actually managed to keep it sort of secret, for fully half a week. Okay, granted I told my best friend almost as soon as I found out, told my sister and mother and father all the next day, announced it to a bunch of my cousin’s at a family-do this morning, and – oh yeah, started a public blog about it immediately. But I saw a friend this afternoon and didn’t tell her. And haven’t told any of my other close friends either.

I’m not sure why, but I think it’s something to do with wanting to completely own the experience and keep it private – you know, aside from talking about it on a blog.** Chris told his Dad, and I said to Chris (in trying to explain why I didn’t tell my friend, who would have been thrilled for me), “I’m glad your Dad knows, but he’s probably going to say something to me about it, and I don’t want him to.”

I think – I suspect – that part of it is to do with it being about my body. The baby (embryo, at the moment) is separate to me, but only just. It’s inside my uterus. That’s pretty bloody personal, when it comes right down to it.

But it’s more than that too. I just don’t quite know how to explain it. I don’t quite understand it myself.

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*I do realise I used practically this same blog post just a couple of days ago, but there it is. I’m using it again.

**And why exactly I’m perfectly happy to talk about it on a blog, and am actually keen on people commenting here, I can’t explain. I can say I’ve thought about making this blog URL more public – as in telling some IRL friends/family about it – and have decided not to, at least not yet. Why are they different to people I know online (some of whom I have also met offline)? I really don’t know. Of course, I haven’t even told most of them I’m pregnant yet, but that’s not the whole reason.

All quiet on the home front…

Today is day 32. Soon (I hope) I will lose track. So far all looks good. Which is to say, nothing looks bad. I have resisted doing another test or anything like that. I remember with my pregnancy with Mikaela I did a few tests, just to make sure the hormone was still there. I might have talked my GP into an extra blood test too, to make sure the hormone levels were going up at the proper rate.

This time, I’m not sure why exactly, but I feel more relaxed. I suppose it’s because for both miscarriages there were obvious early signs in terms of very weak pregnancy tests. Still, I will be happy to get past the five week mark, which is when the miscarriage happened last time.

I saw my GP on Wednesday (because of being sick, as I think I said) and told him I was pregnant, and he didn’t even order the usual blood tests, and I forgot about them too. He’s pretty relaxed and would probably say a home test is perfectly good, and we already know I have antibodies to rubella etc. But I think I’ll get the blood tests anyway.

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Technorati wants me to add this code r85aexuq3w to claim my blog. I’m sure there use to be a simpler (or at least less odd) way….

Secrets

Yesterday I was feeling pretty excited, but today I’m sort of flat and largely disbelieving. Well, not disbelieving exactly, just – well it’s hard to take in. I have a few cells the size of an apple seed  – well, a lot of cells, but still apple seed like – still way down protected by my pelvis, having no apparent effect on anything.

Oh I know the extra progesterone is supposed to make me tired, but since I am sick anyway—oh, didn’t I mention that? Yes, not only was I sick – tonsillitis etc – around the point of conception, but it’s back. Sore throat, sore ears, horribly sore glands and enough phlegm to sink a ship right to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean. That’s right. A lot of phlegm. Making it hard to sleep or talk or – well, you get the idea. So whether the progesterone is making me extra tired or not I really couldn’t say.

So, I am still excited but, you know, I’m not sure what to do with it, the excitement.

Actually, yes I am. I should tell some people! Yesterday I told my best friend (who is also trying to make her third baby at the moment) and my doctor (who I was going to see anyway, because you know, I’m sick). But I didn’t tell anyone else. I thought I’d see how it would feel to keep it a secret just for me and Chris. But I resisted all impulses to tell other people. I’m not sure why, really, but there it is.

So what I’m going to do right now is, I’m going to call my mum.

Will Mikaela wean?

I’ve been assuming that when/if I finally fell pregnant, Mikaela would probably wean. Not right away, necessarily, but most likely by ten weeks. That’s when Liam weaned, and I was complete ready for it. Not only was he down to only one feed a day generally anyway, but he was nearly four, and my nipples were getting really sore.

That last part may be reproduced with this pregnancy, in which case given another month or two I may be more than ready for Kaely to wean. But at the moment I have to admit the idea makes me a little sad. She’s three, which you might think is more than old enough. But the fact is the world wide average weaning age is four, and given how much she still likes it, I completely get that.

It is a really special time for us every night in the rocking chair in her bedroom. But it is also a nice way to reconnect when I’ve been out, and a great comfort when she’s been hurt or upset.

Look, I’m not saying it’s never a pain. Just as “Muu-ummy!” can become annoying, so can “I want Mummy-milk!” But overall it’s still a very special part of our relationship that I don’t feel quite ready to give up yet. Particularly because I don’t think she’s ready to give it up.